When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
You Might Also Like
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Church Pugh’s
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
it’s the silliest best thing
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?