Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun