Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.