Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.