When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
TODAY
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god