when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.