@SunshineJarboly: when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
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@PaulyPeligroso: Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with "mad cash" on your face?
@CharmingGrump: Pro tip: don't write, "I thought I'd be the one to put a baby in you, but congratulations anyways" in the card.
@MrLloydSpandex: A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
@daemonic3: Top causes of divorce: 1. Finances 2. Infidelity 3. Unmet expectations 4. Growing apart 5. Tandem bikes