Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

I need to sieze this.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth