When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Chicken bread
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards