when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
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therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: