When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
You Might Also Like
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.