Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

When you kidnap a writer.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Tremendous stuff

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.