When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
*gets down on one knee*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop