When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Duck typos.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
How it started How it’s going
