Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.