Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…