When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*