Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.