Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.