Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag