When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
79.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright