When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Lol
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Just ordered me some pizza!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
If you want my opinion ask my wife
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.