When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”