Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target