When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.