Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”