When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
🥴😂
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
😼🖥️
