When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.