When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
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Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.