When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”