when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
omg leave her alone
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?