When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
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The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”