When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
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My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING