When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

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One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together


me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.


[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]


Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet


Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.


Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?


Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.



Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.


I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor


KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time


Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.