When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
calling in to work dehydrated
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
584.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I wish this was real life…
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.