Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Uh oh…

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.