Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

#MeanwhileinCanada

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

😲 WTF? 😆