when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
What flavor cupcake are these
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
sleeping beauty
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.