When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
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The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.