When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Still cracks me up
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.