Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

I’ve had worse

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.