Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthstone is kidney

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

don’t be scared

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.