Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

incredible

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

journal

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.