When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Ron is short for Aaronald
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?