When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
