When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
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My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.