When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
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(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Baller is short for ballerina
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
At least he brought enough for everyone
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food