When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
SCARY COSTUME
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.