When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele