When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Eating for two.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
as the prophecy foretold
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
How do dragons blow out candles?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!