Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”