Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right