When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.