When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
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My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers