Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.