Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more