Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

I have written yet another poem about laundry

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security