Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

#dnd #ttrpg

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FwS8GewWYAAlSI4.mp4

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.