Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

This took me a second..

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.