When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
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God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??