Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!