Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

TRAIN’S HERE

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Herpes is trending, good job people

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

notice

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Nose

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor