Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

My sex drive has a dui

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?