when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is