Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Birds & Planes.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

Smells like a challenge to me

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.