When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
THIS HEADLINE
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?