When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
You Might Also Like
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Hitlers gonna hitl
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I put the mess in domestic.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.