When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”