A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Breaking news:
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it