*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
God: you’re a mummy.
Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?
God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.
Mummy: what does that mean?
God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.
Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.