When the bell on your bus doesn’t work…

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*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent


Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them



Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex


[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*


If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality


Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.


*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.


I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”


God: you’re a mummy.

Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?

God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.

Mummy: what does that mean?

God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.

Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.