When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
You Might Also Like
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.