When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
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Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
he’ll never suspect a thing
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’