When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
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Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
neighborhood watch
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.