When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
You Might Also Like
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
