Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray