When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
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I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.