when the buffet is more honest than your date
You Might Also Like
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.