when the buffet is more honest than your date
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How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.