when the buffet is more honest than your date
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”