Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.