When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”