When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
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On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.