When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.